It’s Been Awhile…
Hello everyone! I hope everyone is safe and well during this surreal time. It has been quite awhile since I have written or posted anything. My heart has been there, though my mind and time haven’t. I’m opening up and being honest. The last thing I want is for this post to be doom and gloom, as there is enough of that in the world going on right now. I’ve debated back and forth whether or not I should even post this. I’m not sure what even set anything off, but I had another emotional night tonight.
Let’s start off with a few positives! My birthday this past year, turned out to be a really nice and special day! (Besides turning another year older) Weddings will be all around this year and next year as I’m in my cousin’s wedding in July and both my brother and other cousin got engaged over Valentine’s weekend this year! My other cousin is graduating from Penn State! So there are many celebrations coming up in the near future!
Creating this blog about 4 years ago, was one thing that I’ve always been proud of! I often get upset with myself for not keeping up with it more. (It’s far from some of the top notch bloggers out there, I know, but it’s mine, and I still love it!) I’ve tried to keep the blog updated through quotes and short posts on Instagram over the last year, as sometimes, that is the easiest and fastest way to stay in touch. Life is always, and has always been busy. I love my job, but working close to 12 hours a day from start to finish all week long, sleeping about a total of 4 hours a night, trying to meet requirements and deadlines (which I’m still working towards), life and its surprises, ups & downs, and myself-being my biggest critic, I pretty much have been wearing myself out. I’ve felt exhausted and burnt out, mentally and physically. I started to sit and write the other night and then just stopped because I wasn’t sure how to express any of what I was feeling.
The last four months especially, have personally, been an emotional roller coaster for me. Now, we are all up in the air with our lives due to the coronavirus. Overall, if you know me, for the most part, I’m a very private person. Let me apologize if I have seemed off, more on edge, or some days just more quiet. I want to personally thank my family, work family, and friends that have been here during some very difficult months and days. Without faith, prayers, friends and family, I don’t know how I would have gotten through many of the days that I did. I’m not going to go into full detail other than as many of you already know, my dad has had some health issues that we found out about in November. There have also been some unexpected things along the way through all of it. For months, I have not been myself. Nothing really mattered other than getting my dad well again. These have been some of the hardest, most difficult and emotional days that I’ve ever experienced. Some days, there weren’t even words. It’s almost like I had no voice and couldn’t even talk. I’ve had times where I experienced straight up anger, shock, hurt, and tears (both happy and sad), many, many tears. I would try my hardest to be happy and tell myself, there are good things in life going on. Nothing mattered other than having my dad well and getting him home. No one will ever be doing a good enough job for that person you love. Believe me, my dad has had amazing and wonderful doctors along the way. There’s always those few times where no one is doing enough for your loved one at that time. I’ve never felt so helpless. All my family and I could do was pray, have faith, and be there. I try to wake up and live life normally, but many days, more so than not, I feel like I’m struggling with emotions and falling apart. I try really hard to be positive, strong, and repeat to myself, “It’s going to be okay. You are keeping it all together and are doing the best that you can.”
I am very close to my dad. I always have been. It’s a father/daughter bond that is unbreakable. I strive to make him proud daily. I try to live up to his work ethic. He has the biggest heart and would do anything for his family. He is strong, and a fighter. He’s my hero, even though sometimes (in my heart), I think I bring out the light in his eyes. When I started finding out about everything, I just remember years ago, him always saying how important time and health are. I’m getting older, and I want my dad to walk me down the aisle one day, I want him to meet his grandchild if I ever would become pregnant. Life is moving too fast! As important as these things are to me, there’s nothing more important currently, than having my dad here, home, and well. I can’t even imagine everything he’s gone through, and still is going through. I can’t really explain a lot of what I’ve felt daily for the last four months. I know a few weeks ago, it felt like I was completely alone in the entire world. My brain empty, not quite sure how I drove and got myself to the hospital, I just needed to get to my dad, see him, and be with him. Some days, I often wonder if life will ever be close to being what it was. I know that I can talk to the people that I’m close to. Some I know have been in similar situations and understand and make feel like I’m not crazy.
Growing up, I grew up in a traditional family home and family has always been everything. Still to this day, morals and traditions are still strong within me. Many days, I feel far from the norm of the world. We live in quite a different world today then when I was growing up. So much has changed, things I never thought could or would happen. I’ve always been an emotional person, even as a child. These last few months, it has really hit me hard how fast life can change. How it can test you. I’ve felt things I’ve never felt before…
I will say with all the craziness, social distancing, staying safe…Right now all we can do it take it day by day. Try to live as normal as possible. Do what you can, the best you can at the moment. I’m not sleeping much more or better, but I’m home longer to catch up on laundry, work on webinars for hours/credits, started seedlings which is therapeutic and rewarding (aka quick fix of calmness), and I’ve been trying to read for enjoyment.
This slow down makes everyone realize not to take anything for granted. Although normally, the hours and weeks are long, I miss my job. I miss my work family, I miss my students-their giggles, their stories, watching them grow day by day, their families…As silly as it may sound, I miss taking my time, strolling and taking my long walks through Target, haha…Tonight, I needed a break so I wrote…I feel guilty many days for feeling so down. I know life could always be worse. I keep telling myself that better days are ahead and I will be smiling and laughing a lot more. I’m trying to be positive and patient and let time work it’s magic.
As for now, stay safe and healthy and take care! I’d love to hear how you are all coping with staying in, so feel free to share how you are handling life these days!